Whose Your Daddy? Amazing Tofu Reuben! You're welcome.

Mildly tweaked and modified recipe from:  The Sweet Life.

     One of my fondest memories of growing up on Long Island was the constant presence of the 45-50 diners in a 5 mile radius of my house.  My teen years consisted of greasy food, good friends and jukebox tunes such as "The Joker" and "Blackwater"playing in the background of incessant teenage chatter about nonsense.
     The Reuban, was a tried and true favorite of mine.  That glorious greasy sandwich oozing with fatty goodness.

 I can hardly think about it without remembering how fat my ass was as a result of it....

(roll image of a fat white girl ass....not my own...can't take credit for this one!)

  Clearly one of the first things I had to do when I changed my dietary ways was to figure out how in the world I could experience my teenage fixation with this delicious bohemouth once again.  Found this recipe on "The Sweet Life" blog, tweaked it, and here it is my friends.

Ingredients:

 2 slices of bread (I use Whole Foods wheat bread)

A shit load of sauerkraut (drained and squeezed within an inch of its little german life)
3 slices of tofu, about 1/4 inch thick each
salt and pepper
pinch/sprinkles of turmeric and chili powder

Reuben Sauce
1 heaping tbsp Earth Balance mayo
2  tsp ketchup 
1 tsp brown mustard
1/2 tsp sirracha  
2 tbsp dill pickle relish...bomb.

Directions:

1.  Mix all "Reuben Sauce" together into an amazing tanginess.  

2.  Spray pan with non-stick spay and heat on medium high heat.

3.  Take bread, spray each side with non-stick spray and heat until lightly browned on each side.  (put aside).

4.  Take tofu and heat one side until firm and browned.

5.  flip tofu and sprinkle side up with salt, chili powder and turmeric.

6.  Once tofu seems cooked on other side, flip again, season and let cook. Remove from heat.

7.  Now comes the building o' reuban.....first, spread some russian dressing on your grilled bread.

8.  lay out the pieces of tofu

9.  glob, and I mean glob the sauerkraut all over the sandwich like your life depended on it.

10.  spoon some more russian dressing on it to elicit that feeling of disgusting shame while eating.

11.  cut and enjoy....all 300 calories of it......you're welcome.  

 ok, now I think that my recipes/others recipes are amazing!!!  The pictures however, not so much.  Hope you can enjoy the yummy call of the reuben sandwich even more than me.  That god damned sandwich haunts my dreams.  Mother f-er.  Enjoy everyone!!!

Purple Taters, Sprouts and Garlic. Booya!

God I love brussel sprouts.  They represent all that I find holy.  Their green, layered goodness absorbs flavor and caramelization like a heavenly spoon.  I love them.  I want to marry the shit out of them.  Here is a picture of my vegetable porn.  heavenly...

Is it weird to think a vegetable is sexy?  I mean, come on?

So, I can't imagine a better way to serve up these sexy beasts, then with my favorite of all potatoes...the purple potato.  So pretty!!!  

So here goes..

Fall threesome:  Purple taters, sprouts and garlic.  booya!!!

Ingredients:

1 sac purple taters..whole foods has just purple and trader joes carries a variety bag. Cut into quarters

1 lb brussel sprouts.  Cut in half

2 tbsp rosemary, cut up and ready for aromatic loveliness

3-4 cloves of garlic, minced

1 tbsp olive oil or 2 tbsp veggie broth

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

1/4 tsp red pepper flakes

Directions:

1.  Preheat oven to 400 degrees

2.  Take all of the amazing lovely ingredients and throw those bitches in a bowl.  

3.  Toss about (just get in there and get down and dirty).

4.  Add parchment paper to a cookie sheet/baking sheet

5.  Pour that mixture of love on there and bake for 20 minutes.

6.  mix up and bake for about 20 more minutes or until sprouts are browned and taters are tender as a babies bottom...if you could stab a babies bottom with a salad fork.

7.  Add a little more salt and serve up this delish mixture.  Enjoy!!

Artichoke and Sundried Tomato Stuffed Portabellos

Ok folks,  here we go.  These darned mushrooms are mighty tasty and the perfect accompaniment to a nice glass of wine.  I say that because clearly, I have priorities.  I came up with this little gem years ago and due to my crazy party days in college, its pretty much the only recipe I make that I have memorized.  Probably because it is 100% mine;  it's special.

So here goes.  Oh, and I just got my very first smart phone.  I am super excited about using my new piece of technology to share my experiences with the most basic and primal human experience...which of course is sex...oops...food.  Gotta crawl before you walk people.

So here it is:

Stuffed Like a Pig; Artichoke and Sundried Tomato Portabellos!

Serves: 4

Ingredients:

4 large portabello caps
1 cup chopped red onions
1 can artichoke hearts (drained, squeezed within and inch of their lives and chopped)
1 cup sundried tomatoes (if using dry, soak in water for at least 30 min, before use so your food processor doesn't explode in your face)...I put these in a food processor and pulse several times to chop up.  You can also do this by hand, with a little determination and precious, precious time....(aka...buy an fing-food processor).
1/4 cup minced garlic
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1 tbsp parsley (dried)
1/2 cup white wine
1-2 tbsp vegan butter
1/4 cup vegan parmesan and 1/4 cup almond meal...let's face it...a little bit more of each

***Note:  So my husband cringes and cries about all of the dishes I use.  He complains that in my pretending I am a food network star I use a separate bowl for each ingredient.   I call shenanigans on that.  Mostly because I cook, he cleans.  Only fair I should get to play out my professional chef fantasies without being nagged about it.  So, if you are doing the dishes...prep. conservatively.  If your ungrateful husband (whom you love very much) is, go crazy kids.


Directions:
 Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

1.   In a saute pan over medium heat, add a tiny bit of veggie broth to wet the pan.
2.  Add the onions and sauté until translucent...about 3-5 minutes
3.  Stir in the artichokes and the sundried tomatoes and toss those bitches around for about 3-4 minutes.
4.  Add the salt, pepper and garlic.  An obscene amount of garlic is always welcome in all of my recipes.
5.  Once the garlic browns a little, deglaze the pan with the 1/2 cup of white wine as you enjoy the rest of the bottle.

6.  Stir in the butter and after it melts add the almond meal, vegan parmesan and the parsley.
7.  Take the mushrooms and spoon out the gills so there is more room to stuff them silly.
8.  Place in a glass baking dish to prepare for the mixture.

9. Remove from the heat and stir fill each of the mushrooms with spoons of the mixture.

10. Bake in oven for about 20 minutes.
11.Enjoy the shit out of while your husband/wife/roommate slaves over piles of dishes.